Instructions for the preparation and use of your very own Healing Room.

1 – What is a Healing Room?  In short, it’s any room in your house that you deem appropriate for meditation, yoga, tai chi, or any other activity that, to an outsider, may appear slightly ‘trippy’.  It needn’t be a very large room, but may be required to house an overflow of books, CDs, exercise equipment and a Hoover.

2 – Room selection.  Not just any room tucked away in a draughty corner of a classic Victorian terraced home can be fortified with healing powers.   It must satisfy all vital criteria of Feng Shui (see separate guide for conditions specific to your room) while still, at a glance, not appear particularly unique when compared to other rooms in the house.  A small bedroom with a tiny window overlooking the neighbours’ back deck is always a safe choice.  If you’re fortunate enough to have an available room off the kitchen, this could be advantageous in case you require a snack mid-Cobra pose.

3 – Decoration.  A thin, neutral-coloured, closed-loop carpet with no less than three stains should be laid on the floor.  Walls should be painted (but not freshly) in a sort-of-off-white but not-quite-yellow colour.  It will have a rustic wooden bench with a flat mattress on it, barely suitable for a prison tenant.  It must have some sort of altar; a structure made with stacked bricks and plywood is fine as long as there is space for enough candles to smoke out St Paul’s, incense – pound shop quality is fine – and at least one Buddha figurine.  There should be cushions upholstered with fabric that has those little mirrors knitted into it and in one corner a cheap CD player.  If you require more furniture, any product from IKEA is sufficient.

4- How to use the room.  This is entirely up to you.  There is no standard function by which all Healing Rooms are assessed.  However when not in use it must always present itself as enigmatic and incongruous.  It is most important that you always refer to it as the Healing Room, especially when you are showing people around the house like grandparents, electricians, estate agents or handymen.  That way you’ll always be sure to get a measured and somewhat awkward response.  But you must act as if it’s the most ordinary room to have in the house; be especially blasé like it’s a dining room or a closet.

5 – Heal.

**DISCLAIMER.  The author of ‘Instructions for the preparation and use of your very own Healing Room’ has, in no way, intended to malign the description, selection, decoration or function of any such room, nor to draw attention to any one type of Healing Room.  His directives are merely a guide based on four or five Healing Rooms observed during his years of involuntary research.  Anyone preparing such a room should provide their own aura.

**DISCLAIMER 2.  The word ‘trippy’ has been used to explain the authors genuine incredulity regarding the types of activities typically performed in a Healing Room.  He is not implying that the users of these rooms are actually promoting a specific trip or are in any way associated with the travel industry.